Monster
by Cerridwen7777
Summary: There are some memories that keep you awake at night...


_There are some things in life that scar you, and our boys are undoubtedly more scarred inside then they would ever admit. This is just my take on what may keep Dean awake at night. Please review, and as always, I answer all reviews at my blog._

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"**He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."**

**- Friedrich Nietzsche**

I don't know if I'd want to believe in karma or not. Although I've done a lot of good things in my life, and helped a lot of people, I've also done a lot of bad things. A _lot _of bad things, and I just don't know if it would all even out in the end. Even though I did those awful things for a cause, for a bigger purpose, it doesn't change what they were at their heart. To the people I've killed, to their families, _I'm _the monster.

I'm a killer. A hunting, killing, salting, burning machine. Most of the time I can walk away, erase the faces from my mind, justify their sacrifice as necessary. I've gotten good at that. If I let every single one into my heart I would have blown my brains out ages ago. My days are long enough, hard enough, without the added guilt. But there have been a few, a select few, who I can't forget. They are stuck in my memory, they sometimes sneak in and shake me, steal my sleep. And when I remember those few, those few who managed to burn themselves into my soul, I feel like not much more than a murderer. A fallen angel of death.

I still remember the vamp girl. Lucy, her name was. The only mistake she made was to trust the wrong guy in a bar. One minute she was dancing her Friday night away, the next she was tied up and thirsting for blood, not understanding what had happened to her. She was innocent, but I couldn't let her live. She would have continued killing, because the monster inside her was stronger than she. Sam turned away when I killed her. He didn't see the look on her face, the terror in her eyes when she realized what I was about to do. Despite the monster in her, all I could see was the girl. But I still killed her. She died without understanding, and I can still remember the look in her eyes. I can still hear her screams.

Then there's Layla. No, I didn't kill her, if you want to get technical about it. But I took away her chance at salvation, which in my book equates to pulling the trigger. But the thing that still gets to me is that she wasn't angry. She didn't lose hope. She chose to continue believing that she could be saved, even in the face of everything that was happening to her. I couldn't understand that. But in the end, she died because of me. Her mother made that very clear. And it wasn't because I missed the shot, or came too late. It was because I was scared to die, and I stole her chance to live. I didn't know that at the time, but it doesn't make it better. It doesn't soothe the guilt.

Hell, one drunken time I even saw Nancy's face, screaming, in the condensation on the bathroom mirror. I never laid a finger on her, but there's no doubting that she died because of us, because of me. That one still cuts me deep, makes my guts clench and churn. They don't come much more innocent than she was. She was pure, untouched, sweet, kind. She was terrified, but she offered to give her life up to save her friends, to save us. In the end, she gave up her life and it saved no one. She has become every innocent life I've ever taken, every soul I've ever failed to save.

No one would believe I think these things. I have walls behind my eyes to hide them. In the life that I live weakness equals death, so I have to hide these feelings away, push them down deep. I need to be strong, untouchable. Sam depends on me to do that. I can't fall apart. I couldn't share these things anyway. They're my penance, the cross to bear that I have earned.

Do the ends justify the means? Does the good I may have done outweigh the bad? Is there any such thing as a just sacrifice? I've been a dervish of destruction, wreaking havoc, ruining lives. Even though I did it for the greater good, can I ever be absolved? Or will I end up becoming a monster all my own?


End file.
